Yuengling Brewery Steps Up Production Before Race

When Yuengling Brewery offered to provide free beer after the Lowry Park Zoo Run on December 5th, they had no idea that the Drug Runners would be participating. The Drug Runners, known for running like a track team and drinking like a rugby team, are poised to set a new alcohol consumption record at the event. As a result, Yuengling Brewery has been working round-the-clock to ensure an adequate supply.

“We thought it’d be a good idea to support the race and a good cause, and provide some free beer in the process,” stated Yuengling CEO Chet Lemchak. “Little did we know that the Drug Runners would be there, what with their iron stomachs and stout livers. I can only imagine the carnage they will inflict on our tasty brew. Oh the horror!”

On Wall Street, Yeungling stock was down over 25% as investors sold their shares in anticipation of what is expected to be major losses for the brewery. As a result, Yuengling beer, which is often offered at a very affordable price, will jump into the Heineken price range.

“We’ve put breweries out of business before,” said a confident Drug Runner Jim Nunamaker. “Let this be a warning. If you’re going to offer free beer to the Drug Runners, you better have a production capacity the size of Budweiser.”

Drug Runners to Unveil Uniform on Saturday

After an extensive training period in anonymity, the Drug Runners will make their presence known in full force this Saturday at the Tampa Bay Lightning Reindeer Run. As many as 6 members will don the new blue and yellow shirts, each with their own personalized number.

"There are several reasons for the uniforms," said designer and member Jeff Andreoli. "One, we wanted to bring a sense of 'team' to our group of diehard runners. Two, since each person has their own number, you'll be able to check the program to see who just smoked your [expletive] in the race."

The yellow lettering, or "highlighter," as referred to by Andreoli, will allow team members to stand out in the crowd, and also make it easier to find each other before the race.

So if you're at the race this weekend, be sure to get out of the way if you hear or see a Drug Runner bearing down on you. They're some mean beasts, and who knows what kind of medication they've got running through their system.

Number 33 Jim Nunamaker is the early favorite to lead the pack, with a predicted time of 21 minutes and change.