Drug Runners Sweep Awards, Denounce Sobriety and Scientology

Despite mounting pressure not to participate, the Drug Runners not only appeared at Saturday’s “Say No To Drugs” 5K Race in Clearwater, they dominated. When the dust had settled, the Drug Runners took home awards in 4 different categories, demonstrating the team’s diverse strength.

“It’s just really rewarding to have done this well despite the adversity we faced as a team,” said Drug Runner President Jeff Andreoli. “When we arrived, we were physically and verbally assaulted by anti-drug supporters. I guess they didn’t see the humor in our uniforms.”

Conditions were so dangerous that Andreoli forced star Drug Runner Clare Weitz to run anonymously, as she shed her famous #7 jersey for plain clothes. “It felt wrong not being able to run in the ‘blue and highlighter’, but I understood it was for my own safety. Have no worries though. Next race I’ll be proudly back in uniform!”

The Drug Runners added fuel to the fire during the post-race breakfast by downing a few beers in plain view of hundreds who were struggling with sobriety. Tensions escalated when some inebriated Drug Runners confronted members of the Church of Scientology, who sponsored the breakfast, and demanded to speak to Tom Cruise. It was reported that Cruise was later whisked out a back entrance and taken to an undisclosed location for his protection, proving once again that the Drug Runners are a force with which to be reckoned.

Lightning Cheerleaders Quit, Sign With Drug Runners

In a surprising move, the Tampa Bay Lightning Cheerleaders opted out of their contract with the hockey team and signed a lucrative free agent deal with the Drug Runners on Friday. Reports suggest that the Cheerleaders will double their salary with their new organization, as well as substantially increase their benefits and perks.

“We just made them an offer they couldn’t refuse,” said Drug Runners President Jeff Andreoli. “I mean it really was a no-brainer. We’re better looking than the Lightning players, and more people show up to our events than those stupid hockey games. I mean who cares about hockey in Florida?”

The Cheerleaders were excited about their new deal, and are looking forward to helping cheer on the Drug Runners to many successful races. “I know I’ll run faster if I have those beauties motivating me and cheering me on,” said Drug Runner John Huff. Although Andreoli has not explicitly prohibited the Drug Runners from dating the cheerleaders, he did say the practice will be discouraged. Regardless, junior Drug Runner and renowned playboy Justin Nunamaker was seen heading into the Marriott Waterside arm-in-arm with two of the cheerleaders later in the day.

Drug Runners Banned From Clearwater Race

Citing a conflict of interest, “Say No To Drugs” Chairman Robert Athan rejected the Drug Runners’ application to participate in their race on Saturday. The annual 5K event promotes the foundation’s war against drugs, especially in children. Athan (at left) released the following statement at yesterday’s press conference: “As an organization that works toward a drug free environment, we did not feel it was in our best interests to allow a team that goes by the name ‘Drug Runners’ to participate in our race. That’s simply not the type of message we want to pass along to our kids.”

A ‘roid raged Jeff Andreoli, Drug Runners President, had this response: “That’s ridiculous. Obviously Robby here is confused on the difference between illicit drugs and the appropriate use of legal pharmaceuticals. The Drug Runners are all health care professionals, and if he’s too thickheaded to see past the play on words, maybe they need a new chairman.” Andreoli then proceeded to throw a trash can across the parking lot and yell something to the effect of “it’s only a vitamin cream,” and “who stole my needles?”

Although unable to confirm the rumor, sources say that the Drug Runners will be at the race regardless. They will offer post-race refreshments, to include testosterone, Ritalin, and Valium. Only with a valid “prescription”, of course. In anticipation, Athan has called upon the famed Don Knotts Security for enhanced protection.

Disaster Strikes Lowry Park Zoo Run

In what was dubbed the worst disaster mismanagement since FEMA and Katrina, 6 people were killed, countless injured, and 33 were still missing after Wednesday night’s 5K debacle at the Lowry Park Zoo. With order and organization nonexistent, chaos reigned throughout the popular park as runners scrambled to avoid obstacles and animals in the dark in an attempt to find the finish line and the coveted free Yuengling beer.

"I knew something was wrong when I passed the 2 mile marker for the 3rd time," said racer Jim Buckley. "But releasing the lions on the back stretch was a good motivational tool. My pace increased by a good minute at that point."

Volunteers attempted unsuccessfully to light the path with pen lights, as runners collided with trees, benches, and each other throughout a course that doubled back on itself several times, making navigation nearly impossible. "The dark, the obstacles, the wild animals, the confusion. I thought I was back in ‘Nam," said veteran runner Chip McIntyre.

As expected, the Drug Runners polished off all 25 cases of free Yuengling beer, almost causing a riot when their demands for more brew went unmet. Yuengling representatives were visibly shaken after fending off the angry mob, and one unfortunate employee was seen leaping into the tiger pen to escape the madness.

Yuengling Brewery Steps Up Production Before Race

When Yuengling Brewery offered to provide free beer after the Lowry Park Zoo Run on December 5th, they had no idea that the Drug Runners would be participating. The Drug Runners, known for running like a track team and drinking like a rugby team, are poised to set a new alcohol consumption record at the event. As a result, Yuengling Brewery has been working round-the-clock to ensure an adequate supply.

“We thought it’d be a good idea to support the race and a good cause, and provide some free beer in the process,” stated Yuengling CEO Chet Lemchak. “Little did we know that the Drug Runners would be there, what with their iron stomachs and stout livers. I can only imagine the carnage they will inflict on our tasty brew. Oh the horror!”

On Wall Street, Yeungling stock was down over 25% as investors sold their shares in anticipation of what is expected to be major losses for the brewery. As a result, Yuengling beer, which is often offered at a very affordable price, will jump into the Heineken price range.

“We’ve put breweries out of business before,” said a confident Drug Runner Jim Nunamaker. “Let this be a warning. If you’re going to offer free beer to the Drug Runners, you better have a production capacity the size of Budweiser.”

Drug Runners to Unveil Uniform on Saturday

After an extensive training period in anonymity, the Drug Runners will make their presence known in full force this Saturday at the Tampa Bay Lightning Reindeer Run. As many as 6 members will don the new blue and yellow shirts, each with their own personalized number.

"There are several reasons for the uniforms," said designer and member Jeff Andreoli. "One, we wanted to bring a sense of 'team' to our group of diehard runners. Two, since each person has their own number, you'll be able to check the program to see who just smoked your [expletive] in the race."

The yellow lettering, or "highlighter," as referred to by Andreoli, will allow team members to stand out in the crowd, and also make it easier to find each other before the race.

So if you're at the race this weekend, be sure to get out of the way if you hear or see a Drug Runner bearing down on you. They're some mean beasts, and who knows what kind of medication they've got running through their system.

Number 33 Jim Nunamaker is the early favorite to lead the pack, with a predicted time of 21 minutes and change.