Drug Runners Sweep Awards, Denounce Sobriety and Scientology

Despite mounting pressure not to participate, the Drug Runners not only appeared at Saturday’s “Say No To Drugs” 5K Race in Clearwater, they dominated. When the dust had settled, the Drug Runners took home awards in 4 different categories, demonstrating the team’s diverse strength.

“It’s just really rewarding to have done this well despite the adversity we faced as a team,” said Drug Runner President Jeff Andreoli. “When we arrived, we were physically and verbally assaulted by anti-drug supporters. I guess they didn’t see the humor in our uniforms.”

Conditions were so dangerous that Andreoli forced star Drug Runner Clare Weitz to run anonymously, as she shed her famous #7 jersey for plain clothes. “It felt wrong not being able to run in the ‘blue and highlighter’, but I understood it was for my own safety. Have no worries though. Next race I’ll be proudly back in uniform!”

The Drug Runners added fuel to the fire during the post-race breakfast by downing a few beers in plain view of hundreds who were struggling with sobriety. Tensions escalated when some inebriated Drug Runners confronted members of the Church of Scientology, who sponsored the breakfast, and demanded to speak to Tom Cruise. It was reported that Cruise was later whisked out a back entrance and taken to an undisclosed location for his protection, proving once again that the Drug Runners are a force with which to be reckoned.