Taliban Infiltrates the Drug Runners

In what President Bush dubbed a "disturbing event in the course of national security," it was discovered early Sunday that a member of the Taliban has gained entry and acceptance into the secure and secretive Drug Runner society. The perpetrator, known as Osama Bin Meekoola, a distant cousin of Bin Laden, developed a friendship with Drug Runner President Jeff Andreoli, and eventually acceptance into the organization.

"I am greatly troubled by the events that have taken place," said a visibly shaken Andreoli, seen above with Bin Meekoola in happier times. "What I thought was a poorly groomed hippie turned out to be a terrorist seeking to destroy not just the Drug Runners, but the fabric of the American way of life. It just goes to show you that you have to be careful who you can trust. Bin was quite a nice guy though, and he certainly could throw back the brewskies."

As a result, President Bush raised the Terror Threat Level to High, causing unanticipated delays at airports around the country due to enhanced security checks. Bomb sniffing dogs and armed Don Knotts Security personnel were seen patrolling the Drug Runners headquarters late Sunday. Andreoli said that all current Drug Runners will undergo a complete background check, and potential members will be carefully screened in order to prevent a catastrophic disaster.

Drug Runners Sweep Awards, Denounce Sobriety and Scientology

Despite mounting pressure not to participate, the Drug Runners not only appeared at Saturday’s “Say No To Drugs” 5K Race in Clearwater, they dominated. When the dust had settled, the Drug Runners took home awards in 4 different categories, demonstrating the team’s diverse strength.

“It’s just really rewarding to have done this well despite the adversity we faced as a team,” said Drug Runner President Jeff Andreoli. “When we arrived, we were physically and verbally assaulted by anti-drug supporters. I guess they didn’t see the humor in our uniforms.”

Conditions were so dangerous that Andreoli forced star Drug Runner Clare Weitz to run anonymously, as she shed her famous #7 jersey for plain clothes. “It felt wrong not being able to run in the ‘blue and highlighter’, but I understood it was for my own safety. Have no worries though. Next race I’ll be proudly back in uniform!”

The Drug Runners added fuel to the fire during the post-race breakfast by downing a few beers in plain view of hundreds who were struggling with sobriety. Tensions escalated when some inebriated Drug Runners confronted members of the Church of Scientology, who sponsored the breakfast, and demanded to speak to Tom Cruise. It was reported that Cruise was later whisked out a back entrance and taken to an undisclosed location for his protection, proving once again that the Drug Runners are a force with which to be reckoned.

Lightning Cheerleaders Quit, Sign With Drug Runners

In a surprising move, the Tampa Bay Lightning Cheerleaders opted out of their contract with the hockey team and signed a lucrative free agent deal with the Drug Runners on Friday. Reports suggest that the Cheerleaders will double their salary with their new organization, as well as substantially increase their benefits and perks.

“We just made them an offer they couldn’t refuse,” said Drug Runners President Jeff Andreoli. “I mean it really was a no-brainer. We’re better looking than the Lightning players, and more people show up to our events than those stupid hockey games. I mean who cares about hockey in Florida?”

The Cheerleaders were excited about their new deal, and are looking forward to helping cheer on the Drug Runners to many successful races. “I know I’ll run faster if I have those beauties motivating me and cheering me on,” said Drug Runner John Huff. Although Andreoli has not explicitly prohibited the Drug Runners from dating the cheerleaders, he did say the practice will be discouraged. Regardless, junior Drug Runner and renowned playboy Justin Nunamaker was seen heading into the Marriott Waterside arm-in-arm with two of the cheerleaders later in the day.

Drug Runners Banned From Clearwater Race

Citing a conflict of interest, “Say No To Drugs” Chairman Robert Athan rejected the Drug Runners’ application to participate in their race on Saturday. The annual 5K event promotes the foundation’s war against drugs, especially in children. Athan (at left) released the following statement at yesterday’s press conference: “As an organization that works toward a drug free environment, we did not feel it was in our best interests to allow a team that goes by the name ‘Drug Runners’ to participate in our race. That’s simply not the type of message we want to pass along to our kids.”

A ‘roid raged Jeff Andreoli, Drug Runners President, had this response: “That’s ridiculous. Obviously Robby here is confused on the difference between illicit drugs and the appropriate use of legal pharmaceuticals. The Drug Runners are all health care professionals, and if he’s too thickheaded to see past the play on words, maybe they need a new chairman.” Andreoli then proceeded to throw a trash can across the parking lot and yell something to the effect of “it’s only a vitamin cream,” and “who stole my needles?”

Although unable to confirm the rumor, sources say that the Drug Runners will be at the race regardless. They will offer post-race refreshments, to include testosterone, Ritalin, and Valium. Only with a valid “prescription”, of course. In anticipation, Athan has called upon the famed Don Knotts Security for enhanced protection.

Disaster Strikes Lowry Park Zoo Run

In what was dubbed the worst disaster mismanagement since FEMA and Katrina, 6 people were killed, countless injured, and 33 were still missing after Wednesday night’s 5K debacle at the Lowry Park Zoo. With order and organization nonexistent, chaos reigned throughout the popular park as runners scrambled to avoid obstacles and animals in the dark in an attempt to find the finish line and the coveted free Yuengling beer.

"I knew something was wrong when I passed the 2 mile marker for the 3rd time," said racer Jim Buckley. "But releasing the lions on the back stretch was a good motivational tool. My pace increased by a good minute at that point."

Volunteers attempted unsuccessfully to light the path with pen lights, as runners collided with trees, benches, and each other throughout a course that doubled back on itself several times, making navigation nearly impossible. "The dark, the obstacles, the wild animals, the confusion. I thought I was back in ‘Nam," said veteran runner Chip McIntyre.

As expected, the Drug Runners polished off all 25 cases of free Yuengling beer, almost causing a riot when their demands for more brew went unmet. Yuengling representatives were visibly shaken after fending off the angry mob, and one unfortunate employee was seen leaping into the tiger pen to escape the madness.