Drug Runners Banned From Clearwater Race

Citing a conflict of interest, “Say No To Drugs” Chairman Robert Athan rejected the Drug Runners’ application to participate in their race on Saturday. The annual 5K event promotes the foundation’s war against drugs, especially in children. Athan (at left) released the following statement at yesterday’s press conference: “As an organization that works toward a drug free environment, we did not feel it was in our best interests to allow a team that goes by the name ‘Drug Runners’ to participate in our race. That’s simply not the type of message we want to pass along to our kids.”

A ‘roid raged Jeff Andreoli, Drug Runners President, had this response: “That’s ridiculous. Obviously Robby here is confused on the difference between illicit drugs and the appropriate use of legal pharmaceuticals. The Drug Runners are all health care professionals, and if he’s too thickheaded to see past the play on words, maybe they need a new chairman.” Andreoli then proceeded to throw a trash can across the parking lot and yell something to the effect of “it’s only a vitamin cream,” and “who stole my needles?”

Although unable to confirm the rumor, sources say that the Drug Runners will be at the race regardless. They will offer post-race refreshments, to include testosterone, Ritalin, and Valium. Only with a valid “prescription”, of course. In anticipation, Athan has called upon the famed Don Knotts Security for enhanced protection.