Disaster Strikes Lowry Park Zoo Run

In what was dubbed the worst disaster mismanagement since FEMA and Katrina, 6 people were killed, countless injured, and 33 were still missing after Wednesday night’s 5K debacle at the Lowry Park Zoo. With order and organization nonexistent, chaos reigned throughout the popular park as runners scrambled to avoid obstacles and animals in the dark in an attempt to find the finish line and the coveted free Yuengling beer.

"I knew something was wrong when I passed the 2 mile marker for the 3rd time," said racer Jim Buckley. "But releasing the lions on the back stretch was a good motivational tool. My pace increased by a good minute at that point."

Volunteers attempted unsuccessfully to light the path with pen lights, as runners collided with trees, benches, and each other throughout a course that doubled back on itself several times, making navigation nearly impossible. "The dark, the obstacles, the wild animals, the confusion. I thought I was back in ‘Nam," said veteran runner Chip McIntyre.

As expected, the Drug Runners polished off all 25 cases of free Yuengling beer, almost causing a riot when their demands for more brew went unmet. Yuengling representatives were visibly shaken after fending off the angry mob, and one unfortunate employee was seen leaping into the tiger pen to escape the madness.